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Volume 13, Number 2, July-August 2009 What is True
Forgiveness?
By Norman
Edwards Forgiveness is a
rather complex subject in the Bible. There are many verses that discuss it from
many points of view. It always involves at least one offender, who
needs to seek forgiveness and be forgiven, and the offended, who, at
the appropriate time, needs to forgive. There are times when forgiveness is
not warranted, and even God does not forgive. But more often, there are
situations where forgiveness should occur: sometimes it does, sometimes it
does not. The
offended can be any of these: 1. God
forgiving the offender 2. God
not forgiving right now 3. A
person forgiving (sometimes they should be forgiving, sometimes not) 4. A
person struggling to forgive but having trouble with it 5. A
person not realizing they need to forgive 6. A
person not forgiving (sometimes they should be forgiving, sometimes
not) The offender
can be any of these: a. A
person who has truly and clearly repented of their sin b. A
person who has repented of their sin, but who has not made it clear to the
“offended” c. A
person who does not know they sinned, but would probably repent if they
understood d. A
person who has partly repented of their sin, and not in danger of repeating
the sin e. A
person who has partly repented of their sin, but is still in danger of
repeating it f. A
person who has no idea that they sinned, and who is not interested in finding
out g. A
person who has been confronted about their sin, but who does not believe they
have sinned With such a great
number of possible situations of the “offended” and the “offender” (42,
mathematically), it is easy to see why there is no “one size fits all”
formula for forgiveness. Real life is even more complicated: There are many
subtle shades between the above points, some offenses are trivial while
others are life-threatening, and there are often multiple offenses that occur
together, with which the parties may deal differently. For example: “I’ve
forgiven her for breaking my blow-dryer, but not for her telling me it was
all my fault because I had a cheap one”. This is not to say
that the solution to forgiveness is to classify each offense properly into
one of some huge number of possible categories. But it is vital to realize
that all situations are not the same and to think about the differences. Here
are five factors that come into play after an offense occurs: Five Factors to Forgiveness Communication – It is good for the offender and the offended to come to a
mutual understanding of what happened and why. This takes courage on the part
of both. Often, one or both of the parties are not interested in honest
communication and may even cloud the issue by refusing to talk about it,
refusing to perceive it accurately or by deliberately lying about it. On the
other hand, here are times when communication is impossible—the parties have
lost contact with each other, or may be dead. Repentance – The offender realizes they did wrong and desires to
change. Example: A thief admits to his theft and expresses a desire to stop
stealing. Restitution – The offender does something to compensate the offended
for his offense. Example: A thief restores two to five times the value of the
stolen item (Ex 22:1, 4). Zacchaeus restored fourfold for what he stole (Luke
19:8). For non-economic offenses, this may not be necessary or even possible.
As another example: Fred calls Tom evil names and later repents, but Tom does
not want Fred to contact everyone that heard his name-calling and retract it
somehow. That could be almost as bad as the original problem. Tom wants to
accept Fred’s apology and to pray that everyone forgets what Fred said. Recovery – The offender has exhibited a pattern of change to where
others can reasonably expect him not to repeat the offense. Example: people
feel no need to hide their valuables around a former-thief, because they have
become confident that he no longer desires to steal from them. Forgiveness — The person offended is at peace with the situation, and
expects nothing else from the offender in regard to the particular offense in
question. In some situations, repentance needs to be sincerely communicated
for this to happen. Recovery, and sometimes restitution, may
take much longer, so forgiveness can often take place before those two items
complete. On the other hand, even in situations where there is poor
communication, evidence of restitution or recovery ought to
elicit forgiveness on the part of the offended. Beyond these things, there
are times when the offended realizes the offender acted in ignorance, and may
choose to forgive when there has been no communication, repentance,
restitution or recovery. Forgive as We Want to Be Forgiven The “bottom line” on
forgiveness is that we need to forgive others in the way that we would want
to be forgiven. When we fully repent, we want it to be over—no longer held
against us, no longer brought up. But when we are sinning—and may not even
know it, do we want to be mindlessly forgiven, not growing to be ready for
the “And
forgive us our debts, As we forgive our debtors….For if you forgive men their
trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not
forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your
trespasses” (Matt Refusing to forgive
can often hurt the “unforgiver” more than the unforgiven. The stress of being
angry and unforgiving causes mental stress which frequently leads to a great
variety of physical illnesses. Our Savior took the time to tell the following
parable, which is well worth our time reading: Then
Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me,
and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say
to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. 23 Therefore
the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts
with his servants. 24 And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was
brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 But as he was not able
to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and
all that he had, and that payment be made. 26The servant therefore fell down
before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’
27 Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him,
and forgave him the debt. 28 But that servant went out and found one of his
fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and
took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ 29 So his fellow
servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me,
and I will pay you all.’ 30And he would not, but went and threw him into
prison till he should pay the debt. 31 So when his fellow servants saw what
had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all
that had been done. 32 Then his master, after he had called him, said to him,
‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. 33 Should
you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had
pity on you?’ 34And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers
until he should pay all that was due to him. 35 So My heavenly Father also
will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his
brother his trespasses” (Mat How God Forgives If we want to learn
perfect forgiveness, we should learn to forgive like our Father in Heaven,
who is perfect (Matt “Pardon
the iniquity of this people, I pray, according to the greatness of Your
mercy, just as You have forgiven this people, from Egypt even until
now” (Num 14:19). For
You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, And abundant in
mercy to all those who call upon You (Ps 86:5). [God]
Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases (Ps
103:3). “In
those days and in that time,” says the LORD, “The iniquity of Unfortunately, there
are times when mankind does not seek repentance and forgiveness, but desires
to go on sinning. Our Father, in His perfect wisdom and judgment, does not
always forgive sins, but sends corrective punishments in an effort to reach
people. Leviticus 26 and Deuteronomy 28 explain this in detail. Other
specific warnings include: But
Joshua said to the people, "You cannot serve the LORD, for He is a holy
God. He is a jealous God; He will not forgive your transgressions nor your
sins. If you forsake the LORD and serve foreign gods, then He will turn
and do you harm and consume you, after He has done you good" (Josh
24:19). Thus
says the LORD to this people: “Thus they have loved to wander; They have not
restrained their feet. Therefore the LORD does not accept them; He will
remember their iniquity now, And punish their sins” (Jer How Christ Forgives Did Jesus, the
Christ, change all that? Did He forgive all the sins of the world? He
certainly came for that purpose (John What
shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly
not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? (Rom 6: 1-2). Christ paid the
penalty for all our sins (1Pet But
if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one
another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin. If
we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins
and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (John 1:7-9). There are many
people who do not even understand—or even want to understand—that they have
sin. There are many people who know they have sin, and do not want to repent.
Here are three of the many scriptures about that: “Therefore
I say to you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the
blasphemy against the Spirit [declaring a work to be of Satan when
one knows it is of the Spirit] will not be forgiven men” (Matt 12:31). And
He said to them, “To you it has been given to know the mystery of the kingdom
of God; but to those who are outside, all things come in parables, so that
‘Seeing they may see and not perceive, And hearing they may hear and not
understand; Lest they should turn, And their sins be forgiven them’”
(Mark 4:11-12). Jesus
said to them [religious leaders], “If you were blind, you would have no
sin; but now you say, ‘We see.’ Therefore your sin remains (John “If
I had not come and spoken to them, they would have no sin, but now they have no excuse for their
sin” (John The last two
scriptures help us understand that a person who is blind, who really does not
know what he is doing, does not have sin. “Sin” means to “miss the mark” or
“miss the standard”. A person who is not even aiming at a standard can hardly
be faulted for missing it. The overwhelming message of Christ, like His
Father, is forgiveness for sins. Christ used His miracles to prove his
authority. Christ forgave not only those who sinned against others, but He
also forgave the very soldiers who nailed Him to the cross And
the scribes and the Pharisees began to reason, saying, “Who is this who
speaks blasphemies? Who can forgive sins but God alone?” But when Jesus
perceived their thoughts, He answered and said to them, “Why are you
reasoning in your hearts? Which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven
you,’ or to say, ‘Rise up and walk’? But that you may know that the Son
of Man has power on earth to forgive sins” — He said to the man who was
paralyzed, “I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house” (Luke
5:21-24) “Therefore
I say to you [religious leaders], her [a sinful woman’s] sins, which are many,
are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same
loves little.” Then He said to her, “Your sins are forgiven” (Luke And
when they had come to the place called In this last
example, Christ asks the Father for forgiveness for the soldiers, not because
they repented, but because they did not know what they were doing. As far as
they were concerned, they were obeying the orders of their leader, and they
considered Jesus to be just one more criminal like the other two thieves that
were being crucified—and like many others who had been crucified at previous
times. Christ realized that the soldiers were not like the Jewish leaders who
falsely accused Jesus to keep political control (John 11:48-50) or like
Pilate who found it easier to go along with them than do what he knew was
right (John 19:12-16). When someone has
caused us great harm in ignorance—like the soldiers who killed Jesus, we are
much better off to forgive them, even without any communication or
repentance. Does God Forget Our Sins? Lastly, when we
consider the forgiveness of God, we need to understand the scriptures that
talk about God forgetting—not remembering—our sins. Some Bible teachers go as
far as saying that when God forgives us, he no longer has any memory of the
thing that we did that was a sin. As far as this writer knows, these are the
only three scriptures used to support this idea: “I,
even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own
sake; And I will not remember your sins” (Isa 43:25). “For
I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their
lawless deeds I will remember no more” (Heb “This
is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, says the
LORD: I will put My laws into their hearts, and in their minds I will write
them,” then He adds, “Their sins and their lawless deeds I will
remember no more” (Heb Checking Strong’s or
other Hebrew/Greek language references, they all give a definition of the
word translated “remember” as “call to mind”. This would be a much better
rendering. Indeed, the Bible in Basic English uses it: And
I will have mercy on their evil-doing, and I will not keep their sins in
mind (Heb In other words, God
still knows what we did that was a sin, but he does not bring it to mind in
any future judgments, either for punishment or reward. He will not bring up
forgiven sins to us and they will not be used against us. If God actually
completely forgot all information about forgiven sins, He would have to
forget large portions of the Bible—because it discusses many sins committed
and forgiven. Most of us, somewhere in the family tree between ourselves and
Adam, probably have an ancestor who was born from an adulterous relationship.
Will God no longer be able to trace our family tree when those sins are
forgiven, because he has forgotten who the parents were that committed
adultery? God’s memory of
history is not like Swiss cheese—full of holes wherever there are forgiven
sins. He will not continually bring to mind the sins of those whom he has
forgiven. That is a very helpful clue to us to know when we have forgiven
someone. When we see our friend John, if we always think “there’s John that
wrecked my car three years ago”, then our forgiveness may not yet be
complete. An opposite would be
the person who was mistreated when he was a child, but now loves and embraces
his parents with open arms. He can intellectually remember what happened as a
child, but no longer thinks about it when he sees them, nor does he hold it
against them. He has forgiven them, as God forgives us. God no longer “calls
it to mind”. God Does Not Always Remove Consequences of Sin While God often
promises forgiveness from sin, the Bible clearly teaches that the
consequences of sin often remain. Our life experience teaches us that if a
murderer repents, the person he killed does not come back to life. Similarly,
when adulterers repent, a baby they conceived does not disappear or somehow
take on the genes of legitimate parents. The Bible contains many
examples—even warnings—of situations where consequences of sin will not be
removed, even when the sinner repents. Lest
there be any fornicator or profane person like Esau, who for one
morsel of food sold his birthright. For you know that afterward, when he
wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place
for repentance, though he sought it diligently with tears (Heb And
he said, “This will be the behavior of the king who will reign over you: He
will take your sons and appoint them for his own chariots and to be
his horsemen, and some will run before his chariots…. [Six more
verses explain how a king will tax and oppress his people] 18 And you
will cry out in that day because of your king whom you have chosen for
yourselves, and the LORD will not hear you in that day (1Sam One of the best
examples of forgiven sin with continuing consequences was David, a man with
the Holy Spirit (Pslm 51:11; Mark Second Samuel 12
explains how Nathan the prophet told David the story of a wealthy man who had
many sheep, but took a poor man’s only lamb to feed some visitors. David
said, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this deserves to die! He
must pay for the lamb four times over” (v5-6). This was based on Biblical law
(Ex 22:1). “Then Nathan said to David, ‘“You are the man!’” (v7). God gave
David consequences based upon his own judgment to Nathan. “Now, therefore,
the sword will never depart from your house… Out of your own household I
am going to bring calamity upon you. Before your very eyes I will take
your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will lie with
your wives in broad daylight…. But because by doing this you have made
the enemies of the Lord show
utter contempt, the son born to you will die” (v 10, 11, 14) These consequences
came to pass. David’s son, Absalom, appointed himself king and appropriated
David’s harem (2Sam In the New
Testament, the apostle Paul, who at one time persecuted the church (Acts
8:1-4; 9:1-2), was called by God and told that he must suffer for Christ
(Acts 9:16). Paul certainly understood forgiveness in Christ’s blood ( God is love (1Jo
4:8). And love sometimes involves not forgiving people who are unrepentant,
or allowing sin’s consequences to continue upon those who do repent, so that
they and others may learn not to sin. But
may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus,
after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you
(1Pet 5:10). Human Forgiveness It would be best if
Christians could forgive others in just the same way God does: • Forgive
those who are truly repentant or who sin in ignorance, and do not bring up
the sins any more. • Continue
consequences to those who need to make restitution or learn lasting lessons. • Do
not forgive those who are not repentant, but continue to show them their past
and ongoing sins. Unfortunately, we
lack God’s capabilities, so we cannot do these things like He does. But
helping other’s who have offended us is an important part of a Christian’s
life (Matt 7:2; 2Cor God knows the hearts
of other people perfectly. We have to struggle to understand others and their
motivations. We can think that others are doing us great evil when the main
problem is with ourselves. Nevertheless, when someone offends us, Matthew
18:15-17 tells us what to do. If we do not think the issue is important
enough to go to our brother, and then take witnesses, etc., then we should
just forgive them, assuming they made a mistake, and let go of the issue. But
there are issues that are better off resolved. “Moreover
if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and
him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not
hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three
witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them,
tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let
him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector (Matt When this writer has
seen the above verses put to use, most cases were resolved in the first step,
and there is often less forgiving to do than the parties initially thought.
More offenses probably result from misunderstanding than from sin. But sin
and evil certainly do occur. Sometimes, the Matthew 18 process will show that
the other party is clearly not repentant—they may not want any forgiveness.
While this is sad, it at least clears up the matter. The Bible teaches
us we should forgive whoever asks for, or is willing to accept, our
forgiveness, unless their actions
plainly show their request to be in vain. For example, Simon the Sorcerer
asked the disciples to pray for his deliverance, but history shows that he
continued on his evil path (Acts 8:9-24). In most cases, if a person realizes
they have sinned and asks our forgiveness, a Christian should grant it. It is
not only a matter of our Christian attitude; it is important to the offender
in their repentance and overcoming of sin. We must also
consider when it is better to forgive those who sin in ignorance—even when we
have no communication with them. The
forgiveness may not matter to them, but it allows us to resolve an issue that
might otherwise plague us.. Showing Our Brother His Sin
Both the Old and New
Testaments teach us that we have a responsibility to let others know when
they are sinning, for their benefit and our own. We cannot make them accept
our help, but we do not know if they will until we try. “You
shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your
neighbor, and not bear sin because of him” (Lev Brethren,
if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore
such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be
tempted (Gal 6:1). Paul adds a wise point
at the end of his admonition: Do not get involved if you will be tempted
to sin. Supposing that someone whom you asked to keep your child was
careless, resulting in a major injury to your child. While that careless
person may need someone to teach them responsibility, you may not be the
person to do it if all you have is anger for them. For deep hurts, it may
take prayer and fasting to get over them. Jesus clearly
indicated that there would be times to overlook that which we rightfully deserve
in order to be His son. “But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good
to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, and pray for those who
spitefully use you. 29 To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer
the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your
tunic either. 30 Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes
away your goods do not ask them back. 31And just as you want men to do
to you, you also do to them likewise. 32 But if you love those who love you,
what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And
if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For
even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you
hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to
sinners to receive as much back. 35But love your enemies, do good, and lend,
hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be
sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil (Luke It is good to
remember this principle of “forgiving others like we want to be forgiven”—or
even going above and beyond that. Forgiveness Compatible With Restitution &
Consequences Just because we have
forgiven someone does not mean that there is no need for restitution or that
consequences go away. We can forgive a thief that takes something from us,
even though we require him (or a court may order him) to make restitution
for it. We are not asking him to restore it to get even with him, but to
help him and others avoid sinning in the future. Solomon said: Because the sentence against an evil
work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is
fully set in them to do evil (Eccl Dealing with someone
who has sinned against us is a lot like disciplining children: It should be
done in love for the child, not in anger against him. Supposing a homeless
person offered to cut your lawn for a fee and you let him use your riding
mower. He claimed to know how to use one, but lied, crashed it and did minor
damage. He apologized and asked if there is anything he could do to make up
for the damage, but said he does not have any money. You asked him to cut the
lawn for free with the hand-mower instead and he agreed—that was restitution.
You also realized that he was just not ready to drive a riding mower, so
you do not offer him that choice again. That is a wise consequence.
Both the restitution and the consequence are for his good. You
can still forgive him and be at peace with him. Again, learning from
the child analogy, if a child is too strong for a parent to effectively
discipline, the parent would be better off not to try to discipline him than
to start a contention that the parent will lose. Similarly, an offended
person is not wise to try to enforce restitution or consequences against an
offender if they have no effective way to do it. In the example above, if the
homeless person refused to make restitution, or insisted that he be given
another chance to use the riding mower, you would be better off just to avoid
them. There is likely no way you can personally enforce this, nor is there an
effective way to do it in a court. Balancing Recovery with Avoiding Sin and Sinners Consequences can include decisions we make that last until we are
sure an offender has recovered. For example, we might not trust a
thief with our money until many years later, after he has a proven track
record of not stealing. Similarly, we may forgive a child abuser, but may not
trust him with our children until we are sure he has recovered—which may not
occur until they are grown up. In a simple example, someone might regularly
use profane language or be otherwise offensive in their talk. If that person
asks our forgiveness, we should grant it. However we still may choose not to
invite that person to be around our family or around other new believers
until we are sure that he has recovered from these undesirable patterns. The Bible teaches
the avoidance of people known to be flagrant sinners. A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself,
But the simple pass on and are punished (Prov 22:3). Cast
out the scoffer, and contention will leave; Yes, strife and reproach will
cease (Prov It
is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind
that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father’s wife. And you
are proud! Shouldn’t you rather have been filled with grief and have put out
of your fellowship the man who did this? (1Cor 5:1-2, NIV). But
we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you
withdraw from every brother who walks disorderly and not according to the
tradition which he received from us (2Th 3:6). When somebody has
offended us, especially if it is a serious offense, it is often very
difficult to sort out our feelings. It is difficult to tell if we are still
angry and unforgiving, if we are trying to make sure he learns his lesson
through consequences, or if we just feel a need to keep our distance lest we
be hurt again. There is a great tendency to avoid someone who has greatly
offended us, even if we think we have forgiven them. One must ask oneself, am
I avoiding them to help them make restitution, to help them recover or to
avoid some real, ongoing, danger to myself? Or am I avoiding them just
because I am still angry at them? This is a sign that forgiveness may not be
complete. Sometimes we avoid
people because we think they are angry at us, and they may avoid us because
they think we are angry at them. The easiest way to break this deadlock is to
say something like this to them, “I still want you to know that I have
forgiven you in this matter. Are you at peace with me about it?” Another good way to
decrease hurt is to realize the true purpose of our earthly life. Whatever
wrong somebody has done to us does not take away from our Eternal life.
“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, For theirs is
the kingdom of heaven” (Matt And
if children, then heirs — heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed
we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together (Rom When we cast our
cares upon our Father (Pslm 55:22, 1Pet 5:7) and forgive those who have offended
us, we can be at peace with them. We do not think “there is the person that
did that to me” when we see them. Even if they have not yet finished making
restitution or if they have not fully recovered from a habit of sin, we can
hope and encourage them to do well in those processes rather than disdain
them because of it. Even if they have stumbled and fallen, but there is still
hope for them, we can pray for them. If
anyone sees his brother sinning a sin which does not lead to death,
he will ask, and He will give him life for those who commit sin not leading
to death. There is sin leading to death. I do not say that he
should pray about that (1Jo Forgiveness Flowchart The following steps
summarize the biblical admonition regarding forgiveness. One should always
pray their way through these situations, asking for God’s specific guidance
and instruction in each case. 1. Offender’s
Knowledge & Significance. If you can
see that offends have no idea what they did, then follow Christ’s example
with the soldiers who crucified him. Forgive the offenders in their
ignorance, and the process is over. Do the same for tiny offenses too small
to bring up. In cases where the offenders are unknown to you, forgiveness can
help one put the issues to rest in their mind, and no longer dwell on it. In
situations where the offenders are known, and the offense might be repeated,
figure out the best way to communicate to the person that they are causing
offense. If you do this in love, it will be good for everyone involved. If
that is not worth doing, then be prepared to go on patiently forgiving future
minor offenses.. 2. Communication. Before one can decide to forgive, there must be agreement
on what the offense is. Sometimes, there is already agreement, other times
you may need to talk to the person—even though they may not want to talk to
you. If they refuse to talk, you may safely treat them as non-repentant in
step 3. If they do talk, you must be willing to consider that the problem is
not as bad as you think, or that you are part of the problem. When the other
party can no longer be contacted, they are effectively “out of your life” and
steps 3, 5 and 6 are irrelevant, so all that is left is to be willing to
forgive when the person repents someday, and then to go on to steps 7
& 8, making peace with the situation. The same is true when we refuse to
talk to a person—either because we wisely realize that we might not be
effective, or because we are afraid to do so. If we cannot establish whether a
person has repented or whether they are continuing in the same sin, we must
be willing to forgive (step 4), then go on to make peace (step 7 & 8). 3. Repentance? When people say they have repented, a Christian will
normally accept it, even though he might be somewhat suspicious that the
repentance is not genuine. These decisions are not set in stone and one can
change one’s actions if a self-professed repentant person proves unrepentant.
When the offender is repentant, the Christian’s focus should be on forgiveness
and the steps thereafter. When a person is not repentant, the Christian
should prayerfully decide if it is best to “turn the other cheek” or to do
something else. If the offender is indeed a danger to others and the
Christian can take some corrective action designed to bring repentance, that
may be best. He might take the matter to witnesses or the church, or for
unbelievers, to a secular court or administrative agency. When the person
does not repent, the best one can do is be willing to forgive when they do
repent (step 4), and be at peace with that until repentance occurs—maybe not
until the Kingdom. 4. Forgive / Be
Willing to Forgive. If repentance has
been generally established, then the Christian should forgive the offender.
Unpardonable sins are in God’s domain, so we don’t have to worry about them
when somebody sins against us. When the offender is unavailable or when we do
not believe that we can be effective in going to the offender, we can simply
determine that we are willing to forgive the individual when they repent, and
go on to step 7. 5. Restitution.
If the offender
offers restitution, it is a very good sign that he is truly repentant. If the
offended asks for restitution and receives it, that is also good. If the
offender refused to restore, does that mean that he is not repentant? Not
necessarily. It may be a problem with his understanding of the Scripture—he
may not believe restitution is ever necessary. There certainly are Biblical
examples where it was not required of some sinners. Restitution is a good
thing when everyone involved sees it as a biblical way to settle an offense.
It is not as effective when either party sees it as a means of vengeance
against the offender. If you have settled a dispute with someone and forgiven
them, do not later decide that you are due some kind of restitution and go
demand it. Any restitution should be agreed upon when apologies are made and
when forgiveness is granted. Later desires for additional restitution often
indicate that forgiveness has not really taken place, but that the offended
is holding a grudge. How can the offender ever feel forgiven if the other
party could come at any time in the future and demand additional restitution?
Has the offended really forgiven if he is still thinking about how much
restitution he should receive? 6. Recovery. It is up to the offended when to
accept that an offender has recovered from a pattern of sin. It is more a
personal matter of trust, than the legal amounts stated for restitution. Any
limitations or consequences exercised upon the offender should be done for
Godly reasons, not as an excuse for avoidance or non-forgiveness. Skip this
step if the offense is an un-typical, non-repeated sin. For example, if a
friend has many years of driving experience with no accidents, but then on a
very stressful day have a freak accident with you in his car, should you
refuse to ride with him for many years? Do you refuse to ride with other
friends who have had more accidents, clearly their fault, but just none with
you in their car? We must be fair in our judgment of when others have
recovered to the point where we can again trust them in their area of
offense. 7. Peace Now. If we have forgiven those who offend us and if our
ongoing actions toward them are for their good—not for our vengeance or
avoidance—we can be at peace with them now. “Great peace have they which love
thy law: and nothing shall offend them” (Pslm 119:165). As God no longer
brings to mind our forgiven sins, we should not bring to mind or hold anything
against those whom we have forgiven. “Finally, all of you be of one mind,
having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be
courteous” (1Pet 3:8). 8. Peace
in God’s Kingdom. “For
this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who
desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth” (1Tim
2:3-4). God will not keep people out of his Kingdom just because we were
offended by them or cannot get along with them. His kingdom is a place of
unity and peace for all peoples (Isa 2:4). If we are not at peace with
someone now, and they are willing to communicate with us, we need to make an
effort to make peace now, so we can be ready for His Kingdom. . & Download Full Issue in PDF: July/August 2009 Quick PDF (1.8
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